Went running the Army Half Marathon in the morning. Now I'm sitting at home, rotting in front of my desktop thinking about my life, past, present and future.
My past, though amazing, has its short comings too. Be it in school work, love life or friends, they made up my life till we embark on our own different journey after our teenage years. The most memorable time of my life belongs here. Fact.
My present, arguments that will mould me into my future shall stand. But I'm caught in webs of self-punishing thoughts, effectively bringing my self-confidence to an all time low. Maybe I'm too demanding on myself or I'm still very much loss in many aspects of my life. Transition from a teen was much more difficult to fathom, though I think I know the reason for being so loss. Laughing all day looking happy may help, but I still can't lie to myself that I wasn't. Kudos to my small precious circle of friends that light up my life anytime, anywhere. I always believe having one true friend is enough for us, I'm thankful I have a bunch of them, I'm really thankful.
My future, depending on how fast I start to really stand up and be counted, it will remain like this for now. Having plans for my future which will not materialise anytime soon. Dreams, though far-fetch, hoping I could full-fill them. I'm scared of my future, I really do. I never dare face it, from young till now. I'm a clam, very much one.
Sorry for my rantings. The reason why I hate being alone at home. It makes my mind go wild, past failures, victories and many, many other thoughts came floating back. Yuan Jie said " You only live life once , if you live it right , once is enough." But I have my own thoughts " I wish I was special, you're so fucking special. But I'm creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here?" I guess the one above task me with a task, to change from a creep, a weirdo to someone special, radiant to light up someone's else life. But, it's too heavy for my shoulder to carry. Maybe it's not now but later in my life. Right, I will wait for that day for something or someone to show me the way, to live life it should be live. The catalyst to my revival, I was hoping, will appear soon.
