Back from Guard Duty, Slept the whole day through. Damn bored, played Sims 3 for awhile before heading out for a movie at Toa Payoh. I find my life so mundane, so colourless. But anyway, I do know that I have a great bunch of people around me to spark it/jolt it back to life. I'm approaching 21 soon. Now, it's just a few days more, so excited yet so petrified.
Went for soccer in the morning with the guys, had a nice tan from the glaring sun. Booking in tonight for guard duty. Oh yes, I had an off yesterday and I'm going back tonight, life's a bitch I know. Anyway, will be busy busy with duties and stuffs starting next week. Shall stock up more food in my cupboard on my next book in, the tinge of civilisation from Maggie's is better than nothing. Shall gym tomorrow when I have the time. The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, Average is just not good enough period.
Just finished my first Half Marathon yesterday. Was quite an experience, never knew what it was like to push oneself to run 21km until yesterday. Now I'm looking forward to 42km Standard Chartered Marathon. The satisfaction upon the completion is beyond words. The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start. Photos!!
A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the "why" for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any "how."
lately, i've been thinking with such vigor that i thought i might explode. there are little chemical reactions traversing synapses- they look like blue and purple sparkles to me- and i think in strings. threads, even. they're skinny and tangle into one another until there is such a solid knot that i just curl into a ball and cry because i have to start over, because it can't be untangled-
united looks like untied; love is reminiscent of evolve because it's evol backwards; humans are insignificant in every way, but other humans want to be important and must make peers important to do so; nobody wants to be useless, but everyone is.
people should not think. people are meant to be feelings, feelings and chaos so pronounced, the aftermath of a bomb test looks serene.
i'm sorry if you're looking for profound insight, you won't find it here. I am a twenty-almost-twenty one guy. with that fact alone, i am bound to be a disaster- i can only hope sometimes for it to be beautiful. i act before i think, i think before i act, i am not a bird, but birds and i have a long history and sometimes consider me kin.
it's almost always at night i think so much that my brain is like a manufacturing plant- little thoughts zooming up and down different factory lines, tubes and loud shouts to other workers, "hurry up and send the next one!" "we've got a jam in quadrant c!"
sometimes, i think so much that i shut down everything else. sometimes i just want someone to make it stop, and sometimes i say things that i think might provoke such an effect.
really all i do is hurt people.
i end up talking about things i shouldn't talk about, or i treat people like payphone therapists- drop the penny in the slot and you've got a hired listener, someone who is obligated to care; it's like magic, or a vent vending-machine. i lose the person in it, i forget that they've got thoughts and worries and little factories churning out thoughts that just-can't-stop and i don't know how to quiet myself down. i turn into a crying baby, a hysterical fox who's lost its den, i just wail until someone can tell me it's alright, distract me from the thoughts that pulse out steady as a techno beat, make me feel instead of think.
it never happens.
i like to pretend that i am a hazard to myself- i am right. however, i'm a danger to everyone else, as well. i never notice until it's spelled out before my eyes, either. i hold on so tightly that my fingers break, and i let go with nothing to use to keep in place. i just want to be loved- no, i don't. i just need to know that it is possible for me to be loved. sometimes i get so scared that, because i'm terrified to give away any of my self, that i'm reluctant to love or that i don't love myself, sometimes i get so scared that no one else can, either. and who wants to go through life never being loved?
i'm sorry.
i say sorry because i mean it. i say sorry a lot because i mess up a lot. i want to be forgiven, i hate when people are mad at me, the uncertainty eats me up inside and i'm anything but static, i'm moving like the moment i stop, i die.
i can be so emotionally simple and so mentally complex, i'm like a child in reverse. i will be happy, sad, or angry over anything you can imagine telling me. i feel so many things inside that general emotion that i oversimplify until i think it out. and when i start thinking, the little factory workers rev up their conveyor belts and begin shouting orders to "hurry up!" or that "there's a jam in quadrant c!"
i'm cyclic.
sometimes i think that life is just a string- threads, if you will. unlike my thoughts, i can't just start over- life is one huge work-in-progress that you will never see as complete, and the moment you do, you die.
i feel like for the past year, i've given glimpses of extremely specific bits of my self and my brain, my heart and my thoughts- but i know that when i read a book, i would rather watch how everything builds up to something you know, not piece things together to find that uniting force.
Its been a long long time since I have updated. LOL. Anyway, Had earn my Beret, done Another jump from the Aircraft and preparing for Army Half Marathon. Did I mention I registered for the Standard Chartered Marathon too =) Anyway, Life is packed and to maintain secrecy not much can be said. Been working out in the gym lately, was hoping to get into the next Men's Health cover. LOL!! It's more for personal satisfaction actually. I'm turning 21 soon, and I hope that I can finally grow up to be more mature than I was before. It has taken awhile but my journey doesn't end till I have kick the bucket. Those people I have invited, see you guys at my birthday bash, I won't call it a bash, just gathering for most of the guys. =) Vian so are you going to fly back for my Birthday? LOL. Oh, Happy 21st to WONG WEI YANG, DOG. LOL. I'm sorry that you are spending it in Thailand because of me. I never expected to fly only in September. Wait till you are back, WOO DOG says drinks on him, check facebook for evidence. SOK SAN, LOL, birthday is coming up too. Wishing you all the best in Poly and as TOMBOY as ever!! Take good care of my brother will you?
Signing off..
the author
Gerald Lucifer Chew
terrorblade_shinobi@hotmail.com
22 this year
27/8/88
Single/attached
Was taught promises were lies ITE Tampines MEED year 2
Virgo
View lance armstrong as his hero
Death before dishonor Manager of the big letter " M " Bartender at STJ
Commando
His Source Of Life
His Brothers
Volleyball
Basketball
Mahjong
Prawning
Mobile Phone
Chivas
Martell VSOP
Hennessy VSOP
Heineken
Carlsberg
His wants
The truth behind "Priory of Sion"
Wants the truth of the Holy Grail
To be happy
Learn to love again
Carefree
Learn piano
More books Get out of ITE
To be a lawyer
